Monday, October 19, 2009


There is a plague coming. In medical circles it is known as the H1N1 virus, but its common name is uttered with hushed whispers inside darkened barbeque restaurants everywhere. If you contract it, you will suffer. Oh, will you suffer! Your throat will constrict and you will drown with fever. It will sap your strength even as it becomes stronger. It will force you to run up your credit; consort with the morally depraved; donate what little of your life savings is left to the Democratic or Republican parties; watch cable news channels; and read magazines that publish best/worst dressed lists, horoscopes and perfume ads that smell like five-dollar whores!

Run, my friends. Run far and run fast! Or, as is often said on, EVERBODY PANIC!

Can someone PLEASE give me one fucking break?

Okay people, let me explain something and try to make it very clear. The Swine flu is exactly that, THE FLU! You prevent it the same way and you get it the same way. If you do get it, you treat it the same way. Despite what public officials, media demagogues and other crackpot kooks want you to believe, the Four Horsemen are NOT coming to trample your lawn, nor will any of us be pushing carts chanting, “Bring out yer dead!” Okay?

Don’t get me wrong. It is a tragic and eventual fact that people will die from the Swine flu, but no more or less than the A/B flu strains whose annual seasons humanity has weathered for many decades. In fact, I’m willing to put good money on the probability that A LOT more people will kick the bucket from the A/B than H1N1, just like every season. I mean come on! Didn’t these assess learn their lesson with the Avian Flu a couple years back? Can’t these people just shut up?

I’m not going to waste my time to encourage everyone to get their shots, wash their hands, eat right and get plenty of rest. It’s everyone’s individual choice, and if anyone is stupid enough to think they’ll be better off not doing so, that the shots will cause them to grow an extra head or turn their kids into flesh-eating zombies, well, that’s their problem. And they will pay in the form of long days of misery and yes, perhaps death, no matter what form they contract. I don’t have time to worry about those whose one contribution to humanity is diluting the gene pool. I have enough to worry about on my own.

That being said, don’t let the dipshits on the airwaves play on your fears. It’s obvious they just don’t know.