Friday, January 13, 2012


You know, it’s amazing what the pain from an abscessed tooth and a little Vicodin can do to one’s thought process:
  • Saddam Hussein was a grade-A prick who deserved to go down even if we went in under false pretenses like we did. That being said, where was our moral indignation when it came to almost every other douche bag tyrant despot of the last hundred years?
  • My face hurts. Good thing I have—preanut butter and jelly sandwich!
  • All women are beautiful. What makes them beautiful is different and unique, but still they’re all beautiful. My wife and daughter, though, are more beautiful than the rest.
  • I want to shoot some pool, drink some beers and eat some wings with Gandalf the Grey. Not the White. He’s kind of a dick.
  • I once took an online quiz on whether or not I was a dork. It had 100 questions and said if you got 10 or more correct you were a dork. I got a 98. So suck it, straights!
  • Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side, and not all the watering or fertilizer in the world is going to help your side get any better.
  • “Love, exciting and new. Come aboard. We’re expecting you!”
  • Do “reality” TV producers really believe that people can’t see that the crap they create is staged?
  • I admit it: I do watch “reality” TV. It’s called football and baseball, with some soccer and basketball thrown in. Oh yeah, and Mythbusters, if you can call it that.
  • Is anybody aware that Arizona’s AHCCS program is based on payscales that haven’t been accurate since the ‘70’s?
  • Do you think the marketing morons at General Motors had any idea what “Hummer” really meant when they went ahead and made that the name of cilivilian version of the Humvee?
  • I am one of the 99 percent. Except I regularly bathe.
  • Congress. The only place I’m aware of in the U.S. where bribes (or campaign contributions, if you please) are legal.
  • “God” and “evolution” are not mutually exclusive, much like “fundamentalist” and “crackpot”.
  • Life is a lot like being thrown out of an airplane at 10,000 feet without a patachute, so you might as well pop a beer and anjoy the view.
  • I once thought of moving to Phoenix to find work. Tragic, I know, but when you’re hungry enough you’ll eat about anything.
  • Teenage boys: testosterone-soaked perverts! All of them!
  • What happened to the good ‘ol days, when armies met in a valley and beat the crap out of each other the way God intended?
  • If I want to good laugh, I’ll just read an essay on Objectivism.
  • I recently found out that half the people I knew from growing up in the old neighborhood up are now either dead, in jail or died in jail. Or lesbians.
  • So THAT’S what pus tastes like! I suppose it’s acquired.
  • “Gimme a bottle of anything and a cherry cheese danish—TO GO!” Pop quiz: Where did this quote come from? ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME!
  • I was once part of the stage show for the speed metal band Atrophy during a gig in San Francisco. I don’t think I’ve ever done that many beer bongs in so short a time in my life!
  • Is Van Halen turning into The Partridge Family, or what? If it’s not Michael Anthony, IT’S CRAP!
  • Everyone should see Alice Cooper in concert at least once. For some, once is all they can handle!
  • How many books did YOU read last year? How many have you read so far this year?
  • When I walk fast, the swelling in my face jiggles.
  • I want to die with my boots on. One of my brothers wants to spontaneously combust.
  • Will the Democrats or Republicans be in the White House next term? Doesn’t matter. Either way there’ll be an idiot living there.
  • I’d say more things about sex, but my wife and father-in-law read this. I leave my mom off the mailing list entirely, though.
  • I never understood the whole thinking behind the “If men had the babies, there would be no (insert world problem here),” line of reasoning. If that were true, we’d be the women and the women, the men, and we’d be saying the same thing! Or maybe we already are….
  • A woman needs a man like a man needs a woman. (PLEASE don’t say this like Michael Bolton! I bet you already did, didn’t you?)
  • If the trick to holding your hand over a scorching flame is not minding, where’s the common sense not to do it in the first place?
  • Han shot first. That’s right! He made that green alien freak bitch a smear on the wall!
  • Speaking of which….So, a legion of the Emperor’s best troops got their asses kicked on Endor by a bunch of walking teddy bears wielding stone-age weapons—and he was in power HOW LONG?!
  • You know who your best friends are when they talk you out of dropping acid and attending a laser show.
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